Hey guys, today we’re going to be talking about whether or not it’s a good idea to be friends with your ex. This is a question that a lot of people ask, “My ex suggests that we should be friends, should I be friends with my ex?”
Often times the way this comes about is your ex will actually suggest this right after breaking up with you. They’ll say, “Yes we’ve broken up but hey, I want to still remain friends with you”, and all that.
At the time it can be a very tempting offer to be friends with your ex because hey, it’s better than nothing right?
At least you can still have your ex in your life in some capacity, even if it’s not a romantic way, you can still have them there and be friends with them and see them and all that sort of thing.
Now again, that seems like a great idea at the time right?
I mean hey, better than nothing, but it’s actually not such a good idea and the first reason it’s not a good idea applies whether or not you want to get your ex back. Even if you want to just move on, get over your ex, this is still a bad idea to be friends with your ex because it makes the recovery a lot harder.
If your friends with your ex you’re going to be seeing them all the time, you’re constantly going to be reminded of your ex and basically you’re just not going to be removing them from your life, so it’s going to be a lot harder to recover, to move on and to stop thinking about your ex.
That applies even if you want to get them back, you still need to get over the first few weeks of the pain and the emotional suffering, even if you want to get them back. That’s one of the first reasons you definitely do not want to be friends with your ex, is it makes the recovery more challenging and takes a lot longer.
The second reason you don’t want to be friends with your ex is that in order for your ex to get back together with you, they need to miss you.
It needs to happen organically, you can’t just walk up to your ex and say a few magic words and get them back, it’s just not that simple.
They need to organically and naturally want you back and in order for that to happen they need to miss you, they need to feel the nostalgia of your relationship, they really just have to want to get back together.
How do you make someone miss you? Well you completely disappear from their life altogether.
Suddenly cold turkey, the person that they knew and had a long history with, were very comfortable around, has disappeared from their life. For your ex it’s going to be a lot more challenging for them, they’re going to miss you a lot more if you just suddenly drop off the map.
If you remain friends, you talk to them everyday, it’s going to be a lot more challenging to develop those feelings of nostalgia and to make your ex miss you.
If you want them back, you want them to miss you and in order to get them to miss you, you can’t be friends with them because you’ll simply be around too much for them to ever develop those feelings.
Now lets talk about the science here for a second. Breakups stimulate the same chemicals and hormones in your brain as withdrawal from a drug or alcohol addiction.
The first few days and weeks of withdrawal and the first few days and weeks after a break up are extremely difficult, painful, you’re going to be going through all the heartache and heartbreak, it’s all going to be very difficult.
If you’re recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction, you’re going to be going through withdrawal during those first few phases, or first few weeks I should say, and you’re going to be tempted to just take another hit or take another drink or whatever it is that you’re addicted to, just to make the pain go away.
That’s the easy quick fix, it’s the bottle sitting there on your shelf, you’re going to want to take a sip and it’s going to make all your withdrawal symptoms go away.
It’s exactly the same with a break up. You’re ex is going to be feeling extremely emotional, heartbroken, lonely. Everything that you’re feeling right now, your ex is feeling even if they were the one that dumped you.
During these first few weeks, depending on how long your relationship, how serious it was, it may be months they’ll be feeling the same emotions. They’re going to want to get back together with you in order to make all those feelings go away.
It’s a quick fix to make them feel better, so if you want them back then you want your ex to be tempted to take that quick easy way out by getting back together with you.
Now the final reason you don’t want to be friends with your ex is because you’re going to end up being their emotional dumping ground.
You’re ex is going to use you essentially, they may not actually have that intention, but it’s what they’re going to do in order to prove as an emotional dumping ground, to be their support network while they get over your breakup and find someone new.
You’re going to have to sit there and listen to them talk about the new guy or girl they’re dating or you’re going to have to listen to their life story.
Whatever it is, you’re going to sit there and your going to end up being their emotional dumping ground, and that is not helpful at all for you because it makes you look like a little bit of a weakling, a little desperate, and it also just can be extremely painful and hurtful to hear your ex say some of those things.
That’s another reason, if you needed another reason, to not be friends with your ex.
Now lets talk about how to say no if your ex suggests you should be friends.
If your ex hasn’t suggested this yet but they do in the future, a good way to get out of it or to avoid getting stuck in that friend zone that you don’t want to be in with your ex, is to say something really simple like, “I don’t think being friends is a great idea right now. I was interested in being your boyfriend”, or girlfriend, whichever it is, “but being friends will be too hard for both of us right now. No hard feelings, I wish you all the best, but sorry, I don’t think that we can be friends right now.”
That’s all you need to say, you get the message across without causing any conflict.
Now what if you’ve already said yes to your ex when they suggested you should be friends?
Well, the best thing you can do here is to slowly fade away naturally. Start replying to their messages less often, start ignoring their calls every now and then, over the course of a week or maybe even two weeks, you slowly just go form being friends to basically just disappearing and ignoring them.
Now you don’t want to be rude, you don’t want to offend your ex, but you need to sort of slip away quietly into the distance and stop hanging out with them and talking to them regularly and get out of that friend zone.
If you find yourself stuck in the friend zone and you need help getting out, head over to The Ex Factor Guide website. Thanks very much for reading, talk to you soon. Bye bye.